


Violet

by hiJaq



Series: Separation Series [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Do not read if you have triggers, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 12:42:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4565088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiJaq/pseuds/hiJaq
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an original piece in a series I've written having to do with separation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Violet

It’s true what they say. Sleeping with another person - really falling asleep together and waking up again, creates an immediate connection. There’s an intimacy, a comfort level, that happens the moment you open your eyes and realize that, thankfully, you weren’t murdered in your sleep.  You were at your most vulnerable, together, and you both made it out alive. This fosters something in a human pairing. If you don’t believe me, then try it. Fall asleep with a complete stranger, and when you wake up, if you’re both still alive, you might feel it.  

This is a story about how I fell asleep with someone I didn’t know, because I was very tired and drunk. We didn’t stop falling asleep together for a long time. Then, one day, things ended. I’m going to tell you our story now, not because it’s interesting, or particularly romantic, or grandiose, but because this story is all I have left of her. Well, aside from a shitty Netflix ‘recommended for you’ list - remnants of a password shared. And, anyway, I can’t sleep.

more

///

The first thing I noticed about her was how her breath smelled in the morning. It wasn’t like roses or strawberries or a forest after rainfall like some lovers would have you believe - no, it was actually terrible. Like stale beer, like cigarette butts, like vomit, maybe. It was inexplicable to me then, but even though it was quite disgusting, I didn’t mind it. I probably didn’t mind it because the second thing I noticed about her was how pretty she was. Her mascara was smeared, and her face had an oily sheen from a lack of washing, and there was morning debris in the corners of her eyes, and really she shouldn’t have been pretty to me at all, but she was. Her dark bangs fell into her eyes, and her mouth was opened slightly, and she was deeply asleep. I was tucked under her, and I desperately didn’t want to wake her up, but I did anyway. She blinked at me once in horror, and I smiled halfway in apology.

“I’m going to get up now. Sorry about -” I gestured between us with my hand “Well, all of this.”

She smiled at me then, liking the cadence of my voice, the sparkle of life in my eyes, the way her body fit into mine (like a fish hook into an eye, an open eye).

I untangled myself from her, and stood up, remembering my surroundings. I had been at a party, but now it was just a dirty, empty apartment, filled with an uncivilized amount of natural light. I was thankful my purse was still there as I looked down and realized we had been using it as a pillow.

“You’re using my purse for a pillow. 

She craned her neck to look at it and laughed a little. She blushed, even though this wasn’t the embarrassing part. She sat up and handed it to me, looking lazily into my eyes. It didn’t feel strange at all that this stranger was contemplating me. I felt like she adored me right away.

"Do you have a car?” She asked, stretching like cat as she stood.

“Yes.”

“I don’t have a ride, and I would call a cab, but I don’t have my wallet or my phone." 

I didn’t really want to give her a ride because I was hungry, and I wanted a shower, and I wanted to sleep in my own bed, but I agreed anyway.

I drove her to her house, and she put her number in my phone, and saved her name with a little heart by it. I looked at it, and then looked at her quickly, feeling brave.

"Did we? Did we do anything last night?”

“I don’t know. Not really, and we woke up with our clothes still on, so…” She trailed off. Her heart was kind enough that she did not make eye contact with me in that moment.

“It wouldn’t have bothered me. I was just curious.” I didn’t want to offend her. I’d gotten used to her company, and dreaded her leaving my car already. It was an unusual way to feel so suddenly about someone I didn’t know at all.

“You can come in if you want. I could make you breakfast for giving me a ride.”

I had breakfast, and then I showered and put on her pajamas and watched three seasons of Archer with her in between rounds of sleeping and eating. She’d curled herself around my body at some point, and we stayed fixed like that for as much of the time as possible. She would lay all over me, really, like a child. She was very small too, and I liked to hold her.

A day later I left for work, and she’d texted me several times by the time I’d checked my phone on break. I’d been saying her name in my head all morning. I missed her. After all, spending a day away from someone you’d only known for a day is a relative lifetime apart.

It was very simple then. It wasn’t some great passion that overwhelmed me. It felt more like walking through the door of my house after a long vacation. It felt more like a reunion rather than a meeting. I loved her right away and completely, as if I always had.

“I love you.”

“You’ve only known me for a week.”

“I don’t care. I love you. Pass the popcorn.”

“You shouldn’t go around saying that to girls. One of them might fall in love with you, and then what would you do?” She passed me the popcorn as I contemplated what she said. 

“I don’t care about other girls.  I don’t care about anyone else in this whole world but you.”

“You’re crazy. We don’t even fuck.” She giggled and squirmed by my side.

“We could. Would you want that?”

“Maybe.” She stilled and looked at me like she did want that, but really all I wanted in that moment was her soft body curled against mine, and her breath warming my skin as I finished a documentary on Orca whales.

“I think you’re asexual.” I looked at her amused. What a wholly inaccurate thing for her to speculate about me.

“My darling, my love, this mother whale just lost her child. Do you think this is polite conversation to make right now?”

“Shut up, Jaq, I’m serious.”

“I’m not.” I kissed her on the mouth then, my fingers gripping her t-shirt by the collar, pulling her up to me. She was stunned, and she pushed my shoulder gently afterwards as if I’d misbehaved.

“Do you like me, then?” She asked me, her eyes boring into mine like the answer was a matter of life and death.

“Haven’t you been paying attention? I love you!”

She gave up then, not believing me, and rested her head on my shoulder.

“You know, I don’t think we should keep whales in captivity.” She punctuated her sentence with a little kiss pressed against my collar bone, where her mouth was already resting.

“Me either.”

///

I went home for Christmas holidays that year, and after three days without her, I was already searching for flights so she could join me.

“Look, I found one for eight o'clock. Just have Jenny take you to the airport. I can’t go on without you.”

“I’m not flying to Charlotte today. I have a job. Anyway, you’ll be back in a few days.”

“But I miss you terribly. It’s cold here, and no one thinks I’m funny.”

“You’ll survive.”

“I think I’ll die, and then you’ll feel awful that you didn’t fly out to keep me warm in this wintery, conservative hellhole.”

“You don’t miss me. You just hate your family.”

“It’s rude to tell people how they feel, you know.”

“You’re rude.”

“I love you.”

“Stop it.”

“I’m buying your ticket now.”

She did come to see me, because she loved me right away too. My father didn’t invite me to trim the tree that year, and he hated her for being a girl.

It filled my heart with joy.

///

She was sprawled out on her bed, and I came trudging in and collapsed on top of her.

“I hope you’re finished with The L Word, because I literally cannot watch another second of it.

She didn’t say anything at first. Her arms circled around my waist, and her hands were rubbing my lower back lightly. Her eyes were focused down my shirt, and to be fair, I was braless in a white v-neck, and my nipples were hard because her hands felt good, and I must have been driving her crazy.

"Jaq, what are we doing?” She found her words.

“We’re lying on your bed, my love. Do you feel well? How many fingers am I holding up?”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean,” she gestured between us. I knew what she meant, but I was tired and afraid of change.

“Do you love me?” I asked her very seriously, and she nodded, her eyes filling with tears.

“I knew it. You’re very clingy.”

“Jaq!” She covered her face. Her body was trembling, and a little black bead of water trailed down her face, and wobbled from her jaw. I wiped it with my thumb, worried.

“What is it? I’m serious now. Look.” I took her hand from her face.

She took in a breath of air, and blew it back out again, calming her shuddering ribcage. “We touch each other all of the time, but not really. I don’t think I can take one more night of it.” She whispered it, like by the time it had all come out, there was barely any of it left.  

“What do you want me to do? You want this?” I positioned myself firmly between her legs, moving my hips against her in little circles.  

“Is this what you want?” She was hot and wet. I felt white, hot heat flash through my body.

“ _Yes.”_ It was breathy and honest, and in that moment I couldn’t believe we hadn’t done this sooner. Her sounds sent me into a frenzy. Like chum tossed into an ocean of predators. Or maybe I had been watching too much Shark Week. Either way, fucking her became my new favorite pass time. We could hardly keep our hands off of each other, and nearly all of our friends hated us for it, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything or anyone if it didn’t have to do with her. 

///

“Jaq, come in here, I need your help!” Her voice sounded frantic, and I nearly took out the cat in my haste to get to her.

“Which dress is better?”

She had one dress pressed against her body and another held out next to her. By all accounts the room had been destroyed.

“First of all, we need to work on a code or something. You have the same urgency in your tone when you have a fashion emergency as when you have an actual emergency, and I almost killed Socks on the way over here.”

“Is he okay?”

“He will be.”

“Jaq, don’t joke about that. Did you hurt him?”

“He’s alive and well. Hate springs eternal. Wear the black dress.”

“What? Why not the red?”

“It’s too…red.”

She looked in the mirror. “I don’t agree.”

“Are we in a fight?”

“I’m going to put them both on. Just stay there.”

I watched her change twelve times before she finally settled on the black dress.

“How does it feel to be with someone who is always right?”

“Awful.”

“You don’t mean it. Come here and kiss me.”

She reached up to kiss me, and I let my hand wander up her thigh, disappearing underneath her dress.

“This one’s also easier for me to fuck you in. The dress that just keeps giving.”

“I don’t have time. Don’t work me up.”

We found time, like we usually did.

///

“I know you’re talking, but I can’t hear you over the sound of you sitting on Albert’s lap. Get up, right now.” She jumped up and rested her arms on my shoulders, wrapping them around the back of my neck.

“I missed you, Daddy.” She whispered it into my ear.

“If you missed me you wouldn’t hurt me with visions of you in the lap of a man when I walk into my own home.”

“This is my apartment.”

“That’s beside the point.”

“No, I think that was your point.”

“Kiss me, now, I’m bored.”

She kissed me quickly right after adding, “Albert’s gay, you maniac.”

“I am a maniac for you. I’ll kill gay Albert if he touches you again.”

“Jaq, I can hear you.” Albert said, humor in his tone. 

“Then heed my warning, faggot.”

“Fuck off, you dyke.”

I flipped him off and took her to the bedroom.

“Tell me what you thought about me doing to you while I was gone. Come here, I want to feel how wet you are.”

“You’re not touching me until you apologize for calling Albert a faggot.”

“But he is a faggot. Do you have something against gays?”

“Jaq, I’m serious. Albert’s my friend.”

“Fucking Christ.”

I walked over to the door and poked my head out.

“Hey, Albert.”

He looked over at me with an irritating amount of attitude.

“Sorry I called you a faggot.”

“Bitch, please. I don’t give a fuck.”

“Do you hear that, my love. Albert doesn’t care about my apology.”

“Shut up.” She was smiling. “That’s not what he meant, and you know it.”

I closed the door and made my way to her.  "Do you think I’m the funniest girlfriend?“

"Are you my girlfriend?” She looked at me with eyes that were full of hope, and I wanted to tease her, but I didn’t have the heart.

“Yes.”

She squealed as I pushed her back onto the bed. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to fuck my girlfriend.”

She pulled at my shirt, and I took it off, her mouth hot against my chest, her fingers pulling at the clasp of my bra.

“I wanted your tits in my mouth all day.” She said it, and it still surprised me how sexy she could be. It felt wrong sometimes, like she shouldn’t know how to do these things. She was like a warm mold in my hands, and I twisted her every which way, pounding into her with my fingers.

“ _Fuck, Daddy, I love you._ _I love you._ ” I couldn’t count how many times she told me she loved me. Sometimes it seemed like every other sentence.

I yanked her up, licking into her open mouth as I pressed her wet little center into my thigh, my fingers flat between us. “Ride me.”

She did until she came, collapsing against me.

“Eat me out now, Jaq. I feel sore.” She was sticky all over, and all I ever wanted was for her to feel good.

I licked between her legs gently, massaging her and building her back up. She loved how my tongue felt against her after a long day. She loved the way I looked working between her legs.

“ _Fuck_ , don’t stop.” Her hands were tangled in my hair, and she was pushing against my face. I followed her jerking hips with my tongue pressed tight against her, until she finally froze, back arching.

“ _I’m coming. Baby, baby. I’m coming_.”

Her clit was my favorite thing in this universe. It was pink and very small, and it amazed me that such a tiny thing could make her feel so good.

“How does your tiny clit even work?” I asked her, teasingly, wiping my mouth on the sheets.

“I don’t know, baby. How does an orgasm work? Do you know?”

“Not really. I’m marveling at how I can touch you here.” I touched her softly there with the tips of my fingers, circling slowly. “And you feel it _here.”_ I licked up her body and kissed her breast, where I knew her heart was beating.

“I don’t come in my heart!” She giggled and grabbed at my shoulders, pulling me the rest of the way up to her. “You don’t know how something works for once, do you?”

“Please, don’t insult me, my love. I’m here doing God’s work, and in return you jab at me with your cruel words.”

“Jaq, I think I love you too much.”

“I don’t think there’s such a thing.”

“There is, because I feel it. It’s hopeless. Please don’t ever leave me.”

“You’re a little idiot.” I tickled her, and when she begged me to stop, I kissed her full on the mouth.

“I’ll love you until I die. And if there’s something after that, I’ll love you in that life too.” I remember meaning it the way I breathed air, or the way I fell asleep at night, or the way I laughed at something funny. It just was.

///

“You cheated on me, I know it. Don’t try to talk your way out of it, Jaq. I wondered if you saw other girls, and now I know _. I hate you._ ”

She wasted no time accusing me of this great crime one morning as I carried groceries for the day into her apartment.

“What? I was gone for no longer than thirty minutes.”

“Albert called me.”

I scoffed. “Albert hates me, my love. Don’t listen to a word that gossip queen says." 

"He saw you with a girl at your bar last night. He said she was blonde.”

“Blonde? Well, that’s very unlikely because I only like girls with black hair who jump to conclusions.” She shrieked at me then, and threw a salt shaker in my general direction, and so, naturally, I decided to press on, hands raised in surrender.

“Let’s give Albert the benefit of the doubt, though I’m loathe to, and it’s really very generous of me. But, let’s assume Albert just saw what he thought was me, but wasn’t.”

“He said you winked at him.”

“That doesn’t sound like me at all.”

“Yes it does.”

She didn’t believe me. As the weeks went on, I tried to convince her in everyway I could, but her heart had hardened toward me in some way that it was soft in before. I could see it in the concentrated looks she would give me. I could feel it when I fucked her.

“Please, stop thinking about it.”

“Can I look at your phone?”

“Why?”

“If you don’t fuck other girls, then why wouldn’t you just hand me your phone?”

“Think about what you’re saying, love. When do I have time between my Walking Dead marathons and _you_ , to fuck other girls? I hate to even say the words out loud. Please don’t make me anymore.”

“I know you think I’m stupid, but I’m not. I’m not stupid. You don’t love me anymore.”

“It kills me that you think that of me. Every time you say it, there goes a year off my life." 

I wrapped her up in my arms. "Come with me to work tonight. I’ll introduce you to everyone, and if Albert’s there we can spit in his drinks.”

///

She didn’t come with me. Instead she drove my car to a friend’s house no doubt to confess her suspicions to an objective party. 

When they told me she died alone, bleeding out on the icy road between I-35 and HWY 71, I was sure that it wasn’t true. I went to the morgue, and they showed me her body. I saw her bloated face and kissed it. Wrapping myself around her on the steel table. I didn’t care that she was dead. I didn’t care that she was a cold monster of herself. I thought at any moment her skin would turn warm, and her black eyes would come to life and capture mine, and she’d smile at me and tell me she was sorry she worried me. I thought crazy things in that moment that I won’t even tell you.

You know how they say that no matter how much you love someone, you’ll step back as the pool of their blood edges closer? Well, it’s not true. The man that said it, and the people who repeat it - they’ve never loved the way that I have loved if that’s their truth. I feel sorry for them. I would have stayed wrapped around her dead body forever. The man tried to pull me away, and I attacked him. I spent the night in jail and thought about her all alone on a shelf in that terrible place. I thought about her last moments. She hated the cold, and she hated driving, and she hated being alone most of all. She was terrified, I know. She was wishing I was there, I know.

There’s no way to console me knowing what I know. 

I didn’t tell you at the beginning that she died. It’s just that even now, I wake up and wonder what she’s doing, only to remember that she’s not doing anything. She doesn’t exist anymore. I didn’t want you to know her like that. Like everyone who came after her knows of her. The dead girl. I just wanted someone new to know her as I did - alive and beautiful and loving.

I would dig her up if I could and live with her bones if they would let me. They don’t let you do that though, I’ve tried.

And the truth is I can’t sleep because when I wake up, all I can think of is that she didn’t make it out alive after all.


End file.
